The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle The Master’s Rape Rack: Feminism and Animal Rights

I wrote this essay several years ago and never ended up doing anything with it. A friend recently asked me if I had any essays regarding the importance of animal rights activists and feminists standing in solidarity, particularly around the issue of reproductive control and the imperative for animal rights activists to embrace the pro-choice stance. I wrote this for a feminist audience and I know that several more things need to be–and are being–written about animal oppression’s connections to other human movements. It is on my to-do list to write another with an animal rights audience in mind. For the purposes of this piece, I’ll define women as anyone who relates to the label and anyone who has ovaries/a womb etc. I know it’s long, but I feel it’s important enough to warrant a lot of words. I’m cross-posting this to the Myth About the Vegetarian Myth blog.

The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s Rape Rack

The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than black people were made for white, or women created for men.-Alice Walker

Feminists and animal rights activists don’t want to talk about it, but they have a lot in common. They don’t want to hear about it, but they need one another to move forward. Being a feminist and an animal rights activist gives me an interesting perspective. I have managed to straddle both movements and witness this fantastic resistance that each side has to the other. This resistance becomes deeply painful when you’re standing in the middle, attempting to be a bridge, watching so much revolutionary potential fall through that stubborn chasm.

Most feminists have been pretty good at asking hard questions. We demand that male privilege, white privilege, able-bodied privilege, heterosexual privilege, Euro-American privilege, class privilege, and many other privileges be analyzed. Some of us have addressed these questions about privilege better than others but, generally, serious feminists have gotten to the point where we recognize that the movement is not simply about gender. Women’s lived experiences stretch across multicolored, multitextured layers of identity, culture, history, and context. In order for feminism to be truly relevant, then, it needs to examine all of society’s power structures. If it doesn’t, it will apply only to rich white women who are not negatively affected by hierarchical orders of race, class, and nation, to name a few. In its most revolutionary form, feminism is a movement that seeks the dismantling of domination itself and all of the frameworks which allow it.

So it worries me that hardly any feminists have questioned one of our most fundamental expressions of power and domination: human privilege. It worries me that so few feminists have examined how this particular aspect of experience shapes our beliefs and actions on virtually every level, just like all other aspects of identity do. It worries me that so many feminists have overlooked the fact that determining one’s inherent worth based on their membership in a species is just as arbitrary as determining one’s inherent worth based on their race, gender, body size, sexuality, national origin, or any other identity marker. It worries me that feminists have overlooked the reality that human privilege is an analogue to all other privileges. It worries me that all of the same mechanisms which have been used to justify and enable violence against human groups have also been used to oppress nonhuman groups. It worries me that human privilege is indelibly connected to violence and misogyny in a tangled web of hierarchies and binaries, and that feminism, with its revolutionary potential, with its uninhibited call to justice, has generally been silent about all of this.

I want to ask the animal questions. Keep in mind, they are not unreasonable questions. We have asked similar questions about race, class, and nationality. We’ve done a similar analysis of many other power structures. We have recognized the complex, intersecting configurations of experience which allow so many oppressions at so many junctures. Yet most of us stop when nonhumans appear at such junctures. Even though examining the domination of nonhumans is nothing but a logical extension of feminism, even though this is the place feminism almost arrives at so often, virtually all feminisms have sidestepped when the next logical question would have been, what about animals?

When we get to places where animal questions might arise, we turn away. We lock up our wellsprings of inquiry and empathy. We don’t ask about how billions of nonhumans fit into webs of power and violence. We don’t want to know how nonhumans fit into this capitalist, patriarchal, racist, hierarchical scheme that has reached deeply into so many of us, in so many different ways. We challenge the false dichotomy of masculine/feminine but put so much faith in the false dichotomy of animal/human. It doesn’t occur to us that human privilege may not be any more “natural” than male or white privilege– that the human/animal dichotomy is just one more socially constructed method of organizing power. In an arbitrary and illogical swipe of its arm, feminism has reserved for human groups its important insights about social constructions of power and identity. Conceptually, feminism has written nonhuman animals out. It has erased them using mechanisms that are alarmingly similar to the ones men have used to erase women.

I want to delve deeper into the animal questions, but first I have to ask you to put down your defenses. The answers to the animal questions involve things as intimate as what or who we put into our mouths, chew, taste, enjoy, swallow, digest, and eventually shit out. The answers to such questions can bring on powerful and painful psychological, emotional, and physical reactions; reactions which all too often make us shut down and become defensive. The answers present virulent contradictions in our worldviews and require lifestyle changes. The answers often highlight our complicity in massive, institutionalized violence. Unthinkable, unspeakable violence.

But I want to push feminism into that profoundly uncomfortable space, and I don’t think feminism can move forward without going there. I believe that the future of feminism lies there, in that hardest, darkest space of so many nonhuman animals’ experiences. If we go into this place, we will start to understand the workings of the basest domination.

There are times when black activists have to push whites into a similar space. There are times when “Third World” feminists have to push “First World” feminists into such a space. All the time, gay activists have to push heterosexual people into it. It is a space in which violent power imbalances are confronted by those who abuse their power. There are times when women have to push men into that uncomfortable space, a place in which there are two choices: look away from male privilege, or look it in the face and see the unbelievable pain it has caused. And there were times when all of these confrontations seemed just as inconceivable as the one in question. But pushing these comfort zones is the only way in which change has ever occurred or will occur.

Who is going to push humans into that hard space?

The answer is, unless nonhumans figure out a way to revolt, we are going to have to push each other into it. And even though facing our domination of nonhumans is an incredibly painful process, there is no justification for it not being done. The brilliant, important work we do for humans does not give us a free moral ride, a free pass to be violent toward nonhumans. So when you come upon this space, what will you do? Will you look away from human privilege, or will you look it in the face to see all of the unbelievable pain it has caused?

I want to push feminism into the space where it examines the consequences of human privilege. It will not be easy, but in this place we can examine how we have taken on the eyes, the actions, the beliefs of the oppressor. In this place we can see that we have used all of his tools. That we are complicit in the vile, unthinkable acts of physical and sexual violence toward nonhuman animals which are happening literally every moment. That we are using the master’s tools not to dismantle his house, but to help the master oppress those in his darkest hidden dungeons.

I invite you to come with me to this frightening space. To do so you will have to fight your will to defend and deny human privilege in the same way that men defend and deny male privilege. You will have to exchange your defenses for the deepest empathy imaginable. You will have to take the energy of those defenses and turn it toward your desire for change. To come with me, you must agree to witness beings the way you have wanted to be witnessed. To believe that their pain is as real as yours is. To feel their yearning for liberation the way you feel your own. I want you to look into this space with me, and I want you to make a choice about what you are going to see and what you are going to do about it. I want all of us, together, to use our feminist eyes to compassionately witness the suffering of nonhuman creatures.

~
Open the door. This is a violent space.

It is a frightening space, a space which throbs like a heart, a heart that is shattered but still alive. It is the master’s secret basement. Eyes look out at you from its darkest corners, terrified of you because you are a human. There are so many questions in this space which need to be asked. Look in. Find him. Find pieces of him in yourself. Ask the questions, even if they do not have answers. Create the conceptual realm.

Ask the master: Why are ninety percent of sport hunters men? I want to know why; I want to know what justifies this absurd “masculine” delight in killing beautiful creatures. These creatures, they are the defenseless prey of men just like I have at times felt like the defenseless prey of men. So often, I feel hunted, I walk down the street with the male gaze gauging me like a gun. I understand the deer’s predicament, her fear of men, I even understand her fear or me, her terrified eyes. It comes from the exact same place that my own fear comes from. After all, ninety percent of the hunters of women are also men.

Let’s walk in a little further to this nightmarish cellar. Let’s really try to see the world through the eyes of others. Let’s be brave.

Ask: Why do meat and masculinity have such a long, complicated history of symbolizing and constructing one another? Need I list off all of the meat-related euphemisms for penis and penis-related activities? Sausage, say it without laughing. Sausage. Beat that meat. Choke that chicken. Your meat is your manhood. Real men eat steak. Real men cook on the grill. Real men have meat on their bones. You’re never going to be strong if you don’t eat meat, and real men are strong. Real men play football. Vegetarians are fags. Vegetarians are pussies, faggots. Girls. And girls are like vegetables, passive and weak.

Ask: Why do you feel like a piece meat after being violated or objectified? Hear the master shouting from the darkness: Leg of lamb! Chicken breast! Let’s order some legs and breasts! He fucked her like she was a goddamn piece of meat and she loved it! He fucked her with his meat! With his sausage! With his wiener! She wanted it! Bag her face, man! She’s pretty hot when you don‘t look at her face! She’s got nice tits! We are pieces. We are fragments. I love legs and breasts! Legs and breasts! Legs and breasts! I’m a real leg man! What about you? You seem like a breast man! Can I get a bite of that thigh? Thanks man! Ask him whether or not he’s talking about you or his meal. Maybe he’ll tell you he’s talking about both. After all, women and animals are consumed together. Made into meat and pieces, into pieces of meat, together. These are metaphors for our oppression. Animal bodies are the reality behind our metaphors. All of us know the reality of the sheer horror of animals’ lives on some level, which is why we don’t want to be treated like them.

Ask him, this master who has for so long held the pens: Why are there so many more animal words in that insult or objectify women than men? Ask: Why we are called bitches? Yes, ask this question and maybe he will remind you that, like the female breeding dog who struggles against being forced to have sex with the male breeding dog, we are difficult. Ornery. Angry. We are bitches who don’t want to be fucked. We are fat cows; we are hot young chicks; we are obnoxious old henpeckers. We are sex kittens, foxy ladies, evil vixens; we are mindless social butterflies. We have beavers. We have pussies. We don’t like to be treated like animals. Pens are power.

This space is enormous. It creates a bridge across thousands of years.

Ask him: Why was it that the men who dominated science started the practice of cutting apart live animals? The maps of science weren’t written by the oppressed. Would we have defined animals differently? Why don’t we redefine them, now that we have a stronger say? We, who have always known how it feels to merely be another’s goal? We, who have been raped by our fathers and brothers and partners and husbands and friends, prodded in secret places by doctors, sterilized without our consent? We, who, as men vivisected our nonhuman sisters and brothers, were being burned at the stake, pathologized, and lobotomized by those same exact men? What about those of us, largely people of color, who have been dissected by scientists right alongside nonhuman animals, who have been literal slaves on farms beside animals? We, who, together with an animal, destroyed Eden, and together were blamed for all of the evil in the world? But we always forget how we had company that day, how our dual fates were sealed on that page by the Father. We want to forget the destiny we shared with the snake in our most significant cultural myth.

Ask him: Would women have seen nonhumans as having inherent worth, worth beyond their use to humans, had we been the ones who set the standards? Held the pens? Made the maps? Written the textbooks? Founded the universities? Told the cultural myths? You do realize that this idea about nonhuman animals not having inherent worth was originated by men, right? One which we bought into for some reason? You do realize that these ideas about animals were specifically written out and articulated by the great male philosophers and the notorious schools of patriarchal “morality” so often ridiculed by feminists– Plato, Aristotle, Descartes, Christianity, ad nauseum? How have we overlooked that common framework? Look at it. Stare at its violent, vile, disgusting face.

Ask: Why is it that abusive men regularly involve companion animals in woman battering? And why is this the aspect of domestic abuse that is the least recorded at police stations and shelters, even though it happens all the time? Can I ask, as I sit in this violent conceptual space, why it is that men are more likely than women to engage in violence in the home against the women, children, and companion animals who make up families?

Ask this master, as we walk through these deepest catacombs of pain: Why, for centuries, have men dominated both women and animals by domesticating them? By owning them? By consuming them? Ask the master, why these connections between animal husbandry and being a husband?

Why have powerful men co-opted the control of both women’s and animal’s reproductive systems? Ask the piece of the master that is in you: Why do women go along with this twisted scheme? Why do we drink the stolen milk of females in factory farms? How do we bear to know that their lives are defined specifically around their breasts being hooked up to machines or prodded and squeezed every day on “humane” farms? That they live attached to these tit-sucking machines and hands, often given horrible drugs so that they will keep producing for the master and his cohorts? That these drugs in our food give us reproductive cancers in turn?

And how can we eat the coerced eggs of females? The females who are supposed to spread their wings, go outside, live freely but instead inhabit tiny cages where their feet grow around feces-covered wires? Where from sheer madness they peck one another’s eyes out with the remains of their seared-off beaks? Even on “humane” farms, billions of females have been designed–literally, over centuries of breeding–to fulfill the sole purpose of being egg machines. Do we truly consent to such a world? That milk isn’t ours. Those eggs aren’t ours. Those bodies aren’t ours. Meat and dairy are the opposite of consent.

How do we allow the babies of mothers to be stolen? Have you ever seen cows mourn the loss of their calves? It’s phenomenal. Have you heard the bovine mothers cry? You would have thought they were human. Or maybe you might have been reminded that you are an animal. Have you ever seen the enormous, beautiful pigs– animals who are more intelligent than dogs– go mad sitting in their shit and piss, throwing their largest bodies against the walls of their tiniest death-laden pens, ripping their mouths apart as they try to bite through the metal bars? Have you ever seen their babies suck on their breasts through those prison bars or read stories about how these creatures frequently jump fences and the like in escape attempts? Have you ever realized that the animal farming is the most large-scale, institutionalized control of female reproduction, sex, and bodies-in-general that has ever existed?

Let us never forget the male bodies victimized by this patriarchal space. The useless young male chicks are thrown away alive in dumpsters or turned into veal. And the bulls become eunuchs, honorary females, having their testicles burned off with hot irons. Any bull who dares run away from even the most “humane” farm will be stun-gunned and wrestled back into life-long captivity until slaughtered for his body when his reproductive mechanisms become useless.

And here’s the big question. The question I don’t really want to ask because it makes me wince, it makes my skin crawl and fills my heart with horror. This is the topic which gets me in trouble with both feminists and with the master, again and again, perhaps because it makes so clear the ultimate thing we are not supposed to notice, this horrendous interconnection of oppressions: Did you know that many farmers nickname that place where our nonhuman sisters are artificially inseminated “the rape rack”?

The rape rack.

They actually call it the rape rack. This is not a term I constructed to be shocking. This term comes from our collective psyche and the psyches of farmers. And some version of this device, no matter what it is called, is central to all animal farming, whether permaculture or factory farms, local or distant, “humane” or otherwise.

Here is where my mind starts to shut down because I become so horrified at the implications. How do we bear to live in a world in which conditions exist so that anything, anywhere, no matter who was hooked up to it, could ever, even by the smallest stretch of imagination, be called a rape rack?

Feminist visions cannot come true in a world where rape racks exist. A feminist world cannot be a world where anyone, any life, human or nonhuman, male or female, black or white, two legs or four, could ever be defined solely based on their relationship to such a paradigm. A feminist world cannot be one in which anyone is defined based on how many times they can be inseminated, give birth, have their children stolen from them, drugged, be hooked up to a breast-sucking machine or have their breasts kneeded, sometimes daily, by humans who make money on their milk, have their milk and eggs stolen from them, and then be sent back to the rape rack or, in more “humane” situations, the insemination rod that gets pushed into their vaginas. As long as the rape rack exists, we will live in a world of rapists.

It’s hard for me to go here and feel the enormity of this. How hard is it, then, I wonder, for those who don’t want to see the oppression of animals for what it is? For those who don’t want to analyze human privilege or believe in this power dynamic? For those who refuse to acknowledge this dungeon? When I think of it all, my mind starts to writhe with the pain, the pain of wanting to save them and knowing I cannot. There are billions of nonhuman animals who live these unbelievable lives– literally billions. Tens of billions in one year in United States agriculture alone. That is a number so large I cannot even fathom it. That is billions more than the entire human population, in one year alone. That does not even take into account sea animals, the millions in vivisection and dissection, the millions who are tortured in fur traps and go mad in fur farms, the millions who are turned into leather shoes, the millions of companion animals who are abused, the millions of unwitting nonhumans who are hunted down for no reason with men’s big guns, the millions of nonhumans who are murdered during men’s big wars, with patriarchy’s big phallic bombs.

I feel the siren song of denial tugging at me: Do you feel it, too? This makes sense. The implications are too unfathomable. Animal rights activists often say that their introduction to the reality of animal lives was like taking the Matrix’s red pill. You cannot go back. Opening to the true lives of animals changes one’s entire paradigm so that you almost cannot see anything the same way. You begin to see that our entire civilization is based, in one way or another, whether literally or metaphorically, on the mass, unnecessary, institutionalized destruction of fellow beings. This is a world-view a person can’t understand unless they have truly gone there. I, too, even as a long-term vegan activist, often feel the need to walk away from this horror, to stop attempting to create a language which does it justice. But then I remind myself that this intoxicating song of denial is a trap. I remind myself that it wants me to justify or downplay the violence, to unfeel the horror of this space, to unsee what I know to be real, solely in an effort to protect my conscience. The blue pill is comfortable but it’s truly nothing more than a dream.

We love animals. We do not want them to suffer. We are friends with animals. We spend our lives alongside cats and dogs, fish and rabbits, birds, squirrels. We grow up collecting teddy bears and watching cartoon mice. As small children, we are often horrified when we find out what meat is, only to be confronted by a society in which such a horror is unacceptable and parents who refuse to let their children become vegetarians. Just like other groups at other times have done, we stay complicit in this violence by shutting off when the burden of pain is too large, when the connections feel too real and the aura of helplessness too overwhelming. We go inwards. We deny and justify and rationalize and intellectualize and become fragmented. In panic and numbness we use our privilege to make arbitrary, unconscious decisions about who should live and who should not.

We stay complicit by smothering portions of our hearts that want to care, by disallowing the life-oxygen of empathy to extend properly. But hearts were not meant to be smothered in this way. Hearts become dysfunctional when they are not available in their entirety, just like bodies with broken legs do. So why do we push the nonhumans away, into that special, shadowy section of our hearts? Why do we collude with the master in maintaining this dark, horrible, soundproof basement of colossal pain when we could be knocking down the walls?

We are animalized and they are feminized in complicated rings of domination and control and coercion and abuse and domestication and alienation. We do not need to be scared of these comparisons. To extend empathy beyond humans does not mean trading the human struggle for the nonhuman struggle. It means that both struggles will attain a new depth, one we could not conceive of before. It means putting one more hole in the stubborn cycle of violence. There is simply no need to keep justice all for ourselves. Empathy is not in limited supply; rather, it is like a muscle which gets stronger and larger with use.

Sit back. Take it all in. Before leaving this place, allow yourself to wonder. Allow yourself to remember your incredible power. Allow yourself to envision a world in which there is no unnecessary domination of any animal, human or nonhuman.

~

Ultimately, we, as feminists, have to do some serious soul-searching about all of this. We have to earnestly consider whether it is fair of us to ask the world to witness our voices and our pain when we so often refuse to witness the voices and pain of others. At its deepest level, is feminism being honest if it does not engage in this witnessing? I’m not so sure. Is it fair for us to call for our own dominators to stop, while simultaneously being dominators of billions of others? I don’t think it is. Is it fair to expect that those who oppress us examine their privilege, even though we do not examine one of our most fundamental privileges? Is it fair to demand autonomy, while simultaneously defining animals only in terms of their use to us? Does any group have a right to demand freedom while systematically keeping another group unfree?

I don’t think that a revolution in feminism can happen while feminists themselves are still colluding with this patriarchy-defined framework of dominator-dominated, and when those in question are arguably the most helpless, outcast, and unheard of all. No, I don’t think a feminist revolution can happen while this paradigm, while this bottom line, is still with us, and we are not taking accountability for our role in it. I want a world in which there is no domination. I want a feminism that recognizes all hierarchical power arrangements and seeks to eliminate them. I don’t think this request is unreasonable. In fact, I think it is one of the most reasonable requests ever made, and I think it is the largest, most profound and authentic expression of feminism possible.

This is a call to honestly ask ourselves, a call to be brave: With what eyes do we look at animals? Do we look at animals with feminist eyes, or do we look at them with the eyes of the master, those eyes that believe in the rightness and naturalness of domination? Do we look at them with indifferent, entitled, or domineering eyes, the same kinds of eyes that have oppressed us? Or do we look at them with revolutionary eyes? This question is crucial to the future of feminism. If we continue to look at this entirely silenced, universally subjugated group with the eyes of the old paradigm, a feminist world will not be realized, because feminism’s feet will still be caught in that violent framework of human and male domination. Feminism’s hands will still be bound to the master’s rape rack.

Animals are the ultimate, the fundamental Other. Let’s make the connection.

a beautiful creature

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Consider what freedom might mean

One who breaks an unjust law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law.
-MLK, on civil disobedience

Perhaps the most beautiful video I’ve ever seen:
1,000 people in Italy break into a lab in broad daylight to liberate dogs and puppies.

More info here


Between a high, solid wall and an egg that breaks against it, I will always stand on the side of the egg. -Murakami, on support of Palestine

Because the egg is not my egg or yours and I will say so. Consider a world without cages, prisons, domination, captivity, and billions of unnecessary sentient objects. A world in which we are unwilling to even entertain the possibility of those things. A world in which we own up to our ability to make choices about how we construct our personal and collective world. Think about a world in which bodies are as free as possible no matter what gender or color or size or type or class they are, no matter how many legs they have, no matter whether they can speak our language. A world in which our lives, our things, our food don’t depend on the mass-scale manipulation and control of nonhuman or human bodies, reproductive systems, and labor. A world in which we refuse to have even one sentient being who could even be remotely considered an instrument or a slave. In which we’re all as free as possible, without qualification– free just because we all, for some strange and incomprehensible reason, exist. A world in which we recognize that “human” and “animal” are social constructions that only serve to justify massive feats of violent domination. In which we no longer oppress based on created hierarchies like “man/woman” “black/white” “rich/poor”. Imagine a world in which we consider existence a birthright without calling upon constructed justifications about the necessary nastiness of some broad, ever-conveniently invoked idea called God or Nature with a Capital N.  A world in which we don’t accept the construction of nature as a killing machine in which we hunt and are hunted, as opposed to  a world in which space is created for so many delightful, incredible, inconceivable manifestations of this thing, life. Imagine a world in which we consider it true that there is enough liberation to go around for all of us, because this is a true thing, if we step up to ourselves and each other to say, “Yes”. If we move from a place of hugeness and potential instead of smallness and failure. If we garner our creativity and the logic of our huge human brains, brains that have flown into space and created civilizations. Let’s not be lazy. This world is not hyperbole or a utopian dream. I am the ultimate realist. This is a possible world, probably the most practical one, a world that would work better, would last longer, a simply happier world. It won’t be perfect but it can be real nonetheless. There will still be death and suffering but it won’t be anything like this. If you don’t believe in this, take a nap, rest, have a dream and wake up. Look outside. Look at loved ones. Feel expansiveness. Remember yourself, your body. Drink some water. Breathe. Think about how beautiful this world would be and the fact that it’s in our capacity to make it. It’s completely in our capacity. Make it. Love you.

In the end we can see this either as a world where we all eat and are eaten, or as a world where we all have an opportunity to feed one another. -Jack Kornfield, on liberation

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To ask of myself and others

I’m writing this because I don’t know what to say about the Trayvon Martin murder and what it represents, but I feel like using words is one of my callings in life, so I feel like I have to say something.

The following are some earnest requests, and they’re things I request of myself on a regular basis too. In fact, I’m requesting them of myself right now. Here:

Ask yourself, am I socially and culturally privileged? Check your privilege. Do a power analysis of who and where you are. Check you race, your economic class, your gender, your background, your species, your luck. Check where you fall in the hierarchies. Explore your assumptions about yourself and others. Do you resist this analysis? Ask yourself why. Be brave when you answer. Be vulnerable.

Ask yourself if you’re causing unnecessary harm through your biases, your unchecked assumptions, your class, your choices, the choices you don’t make, the words you say, the words you don’t say,  how you live, how you speak, how you love, how you don’t love. Ask yourself if you might have subconscious assumptions about those who are different races, genders, religions, ideologies, sexual preferences, nationalities, ethnicities, and species from you.  I’m asking these questions right alongside you—I don’t harbor illusions that my shit doesn’t stink. Own the fact that there’s a hierarchy and you’re in it and that it’s complicated and that sometimes you’re going to be totally fucking wrong and other times, you will be totally brilliant. Society created us and we create it every day, with every action we do and don’t take– every time we choose to uphold the status quo or to resist it, we create or recreate everything around us.

Ask yourself, am I acting as though I don’t live in a society, am I acting as though I am purely an individual, am I acting as though I am alone and have nobody to take care of except myself and maybe a few loved ones? Am I acting as if my actions, my choices, are nobody’s business, even when they profoundly affect millions of others and the earth itself?

Am I pretending I don’t have choices in situations where I do? Choices over how to treat myself, how to treat others, how to love, how to hold or destroy psychological space, how to use my huge pre-frontal cortex, critical thinking skills, and my incredible capacity for emotional nuance and understanding?

If you are privileged enough to choose your lifestyle, are you recognizing that your lifestyle is a choice—the things you buy, eat, wear, own; the things you see; the things you unsee? Do you realize how much power is in your unseeing? Do you realize that the definition of social privilege is to be able to unsee? To roll your eyes and block your ears? Does your lifestyle, if chosen, rest on the shoulders of others who are suffering unnecessarily? People of other social groups? Poor people in your own or another country? People of other races? Beings of other species? The earth itself? These questions suck to ask of ourselves. They are painful and require a deeply committed level of vulnerability. The answers to at least some of them will be “yes”. Ask them anyways. Ask them with me.

Do an analysis of how you are living your life, how it affects you, how it affects others. This isn’t easy. In fact, it might be the hardest thing ever. Do it anyways. Read bell hooks. Read A. Breeze Harper. Read Edward Said. Read Thich Nhat Hanh. Read Carol Adams. Read Angela Davis. Read Pema Chodron. Read Howard Zinn. Read Arundhati Roy. Read Melanie Joy. Read Chandra Mohanty. Read Audre Lorde. Read the words of emotional and political revolutionaries. Read The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas. Fucking take a deep breath and keep breathing for as long as it takes you to realize that your life and your choices, in every possible conceivable way, affect others. Don’t just engage in witnessing and compassion as a side-project. Engage in it as a life. As an entire body and mind. This is not a luxury nor is it a new-age metaphor.This is literally what we need to do in order to stop society and the future from self-destructing.

If you do not understand that racism is real, this will take a lot of fucking deep breaths. Take those breaths. The same goes for misogyny, the destruction of the earth and the butchering hundreds of billions of sentient creatures, the hatred of GLBT and queer people, the obscene realities of war and imperialism, the insanity of global capitalism. Look at all of these things. The world needs you to. This isn’t hyperbole. It sucks to look at these things. Feel how much it sucks and then look at them anyways. Because that is how healing works. It might make us feel like we are going crazy at first, because of how much will occur to us, how much we will have to hold, how much will be implied. It might mean changing deeply-engrained daily habits. It might mean totally failing and then trying again five thousand times. It might mean crying for three months straight. It might mean asking for help in a culture where we are supposed to survive completely alone. It might mean massive shifts of identity and consciousness.

But this is the name of personal and collective healing—two things which actually are each other’s names. If we want to understand how to go forward from the mess, we have to witness and process the mess.

So look inwards and outwards and do whatever you have to do to heal and be the biggest, most life-ward, least ignorant, most compassionate version of yourself possible.

It will be better for all of us if you heal, if I heal. After we’ve understood the mess, really stared into it in its most fucked-up places, then we can use our huge frontal lobes and our huge hearts and our abilities to choose, to create a world that is minimally painful. It won’t be perfect, but it will be better. It will be so… much…. better.

I’m serious. I’m asking you earnestly—just as I ask myself on a regular basis–to do all these things. Because what is the point in life if we are not going to take a deep breath, be our hugest selves, and take care of each other? Are we really on this earth just to drink beer and talk shit and buy shit and waste our huge brains and hearts? Fuck that. Seriously, fuck that so much.

This: “While I’m here I’ll do the work: and what’s the work? To ease the pain of living. Everything else, drunken dumbshow.” -Allen Ginsberg

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Not a joke: a selection of search engine terms people have used to get to my blog

is it normal for turtles to eat their own poop

little prince fuck you all

cat teeth diagram

apes from space

bangkok dream

capybara cake

fake band aid

female barber

latino male fuckers

deer tick penis

naked girl holding a deer

dream of plantain

pee, female, dick

my anus hurts from all the excrement i’ve been forcing out

horse poo, cobblestones

guy dubord excrement

diagram genitals kid safe

zaikowski symphony

cat teeth-round yellow star

how mother will feed milk to babies

rip holes in assholes

meaning of the trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pendants and sophisticates, of conidering happiness as something rather stupid. only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting

obsessed with mowing grass

i want to know about a life of ape

it is okay to spray paint rusty crab traps

meaning of roar

how do you write a yawp

safe place to fuck kolkata

reappropriator

indian fuking

“he was a gay sailor”

comments on a lovable life

“i feel my prefrontal cortex”

wartime hairdo

huge plastic gorilla bank

smile without revealing teeth

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Dinosaur Bees #4! and other publishing adventures, plus Thailand notes and nonhumans

HEY EVERYBODY! The new issue of Dinosaur Bees is here!It stars Collin Blair Gabarek, Karen Greenbaum-Maya, Amanda Ackerman, Kyle Hemmings, Peter Schwartz, Davy Carren, Misti Rainwater-Lites, F.J. Bergmann, Matthew Burnside, Matt Robinson, Nick Narbutas, Eleanor Leonne Bennet, Alexis Pope, Suzanne Marie Hopcroft, Tammy Ho Lai-Ming, and Meghan Lamb, with a Spirits of the Strange homage to she who is probably my biggest literary inspiration, the dear Kathy Acker!  The issue includes such planets as:

“Springfield/ never used to have this /sandwich on the menu, kid” (Hopcroft)

and “I do not have a very healthy concept of family.  To some people that makes me very cool but to others that makes me a very bad person” (Schwartz)

and “Little raksasa, little deer-pig, no one fears you either. We both commune in moans and grunts, but you never quite manage to come in on the downbeat. Babirusa, I can jitterbug and waltz, and trot like a fox, but I cannot box like a kangaroo, or swim the Sula Straits with the other babirusas. I am easy to find.  I crash into tables” (Greenbaum-Maya)

and stunning photographs by 15-year old, award-winning Eleanore Leonne Bennet– keep an eye out for her.

And, oh hey, Shelf Life Magazine said we had the fifth best lit journal name. Thanks SLM, we love you too! Let’s hug sometime!

What else? I was lucky enough to contribute to, as well be the guest editor for a week, over at Everyday Genius. Check out amazing work by Ella Longpre, Ben Hersey, Kristin E. Nelson, and Amanda Ackerman that I got the chance to show off over there.  Do you know these folks and their writing? You would be a better person if you did.

I’m still in Thailand and will be coming back to Massachusetts in April. What does that mean? I’m not really sure yet. What will seasons be like for me now? How will I feel come autumn? What will the flowers look like, at first, and the oak trees, as I have become so accustomed to palm? I think I will be so excited for the pink trees on my block and the firefly party on the dike come May. I think I will hug you, and you. Will Massachusetts feel like home again? Does Thailand feel like home? I don’t think I will know the answer to either question until I leave here and go back there. What if neither feels like home? Will this be freedom or freedom’s opposite? Or perhaps it will be a familiar feeling, to have a feeling of no home. I suppose I will see. What I do know is that time is a strange thing that goes in every direction and takes on every language and form, and I wonder, does it realize itself? What would that mean, if time could do that? Does it matter?

Some thing haven’t changed since I’ve been here: I still dream about vegan pizza, I still get a (perhaps unreasonably) large kick out of things that are the “wrong” size like capybaras and espresso cups (I swear I will write a post on this at some point– btw, I just spelled “post” as “pot”), and I still treasure the opportunity to wear sweatpants. Though there is nothing in Massachusetts comparable to the local, fresh pineapple juice that I currently get to bless my insides with on a regular basis.

There are so many political things, so many huge things, I want to write about in this blog, and my heart feels like a beanbag and my mind feels like an old soccer ball whenever I sit down to try. Soon, though.

This: There was a frog in the water bucket, and he jumped seven times his height. This would be like you or I jumping up a large flight of stairs. My cat sees six times better than me, and in the dark, because, among other things, her retinas are mirrors to light. Also, sea turtles map entire oceans and birds map entire coasts, as those coasts form an invisible line from the sky that we will never see or understand. The skin of a cuttlefish is a brain. Elephants have funerals and can hear for miles, and birds sometimes live on their backs, and it appears that the one cares deeply about the other by all reasonable observational models. Bats are blind but that’s okay, because their ears create their existence and their space. Hens protect their young in the rain with the determination of warriors. Warrior hens who would shoot you if they had guns and thumbs and you tried to mess with them. Cows mourn their stolen children by wailing and shunning food. Once, a tortoise adopted an orphaned baby hippopotamus after a tsunami and became her surrogate mother. The biggest whale has a heart the size of a car. To paraphrase Mickey Z., imagine how much love is in that heart? Maybe that brand of hugeness of love isn’t something humans can comprehend, at least, so long as they are numb and scared and their stomachs are filled with bullets and their minds are filled with lazy categories and wildly splitting atoms.


Eat your heart out, humans

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Bucket list, updated again, from the land of Thai; sweatpants, places, animals

Listen, I have what the kids call a “bucket list” and every year or so I updated it, in part inspired by several friends including Taryn and Vanessa who also like to make lists as a way to enter the wonder and chaos of life and all that stuff. I really like lists. I always have a Five-Year Plan (whenever I mention this I am secretly counting on any history buffs in the room to get the reference to the world’s five-year plans, especially the ones in the USSR but usually no one gets my incredible joke. It must be that I’m just too funny to handle.) I update the five-year plan whenever I do one of the things that was on it. ANYWAYS I recently updated my bucket list and, as Taryn has challenged me before, I made myself find 100 things to put on it, because I figure if I couldn’t find one hundred things then I am being boring.

Also, this is a slightly related aside, but I think my New Years resolution is to start WRITING IN CAPS MORE OFTEN because I really APPRECIATE THEM and I think they ARE A GOOD WAY TO EXPRESS CERTAIN ASPECTS OF MY PERSONALITY WHEN INTERACTING WITH CYBERSPACE.

It should be noted that I included things on my updated list that I’ve already done from earlier versions of the list, so I could feel good about myself. Those things are designated BY AN “X”. Yes, I’m going to write the whole list. ALSO it should be noted that, if you care about this kind of thing, the sentences aren’t always complete because I am copying this directly from the hand-written list I scrawled down on a bumpy bus in Kanchanaburi.

Sarah Connor had a lot of plans

TO DO IN MY LIFE:

1. Go to India X

2. Go back to India (rajasthan, jaisalmer, etc.)

3. Go to Thailand. X

4. Go on a retreat in Thailand. X

5. Go to Plum Village.

6. Iceland

7. Spain

8. Italy

9. New Zealand

10. Australia

11. Incite the universal downfall of capitalism

12. Yosemite & Yellowstone NP

13. Become a boxer, be able to fight but then never fight

14. Publish my first novel X

15. Publish my second novel

16. Publish my third novel

17. Write a book of kooky essays tentatively entitled “is it politically incorrect to entitle a book ‘i don’t have any cool diseases”

18. Write a book about veganism

19. Learn guitar

20. Run around a lot

21. Become an insane professor who “accidentally” wears my sweatpants to class

22. Grow vegetables and my own beans, toot!

23. Be good at knitting… knit ridiculous things

24. Learn Spanish, go to Latin and South America

25. Be friends with lots of old people, young people, kids

26. Garden/flowers etc… have the best compost pile ever

27. Basic carpentry…. at least build a shed

Shit... I forgot to put see a capybara on my list

28. Have my own house w/ flamboyant, overgrown garden that pisses off the neighbors

29. Love myself X

30. Be healthy and happy X

31. One-month retreat

32. Start revolution

33. Get a hammock

34. Write 100 novels

35. Hitchhike across country X

36. Travel down Cali. coast/ rt. 1 X

37. See Aurora Borealis

38. Liberate one million animals

39. Tattoos X

40. Be okay with cold weather since I am from New England

41. Remember to dance a lot (maybe constantly)

42. Play drums and get big arm muscles from them.

I told you I was going to write all of them

43. See Andes Mts.

44. Live in germany

45. Re-learn German

46. Wear more wigs

47. Live abroad X

48. Scandinavia

49. Write one hundred million songs

50. Costa Rica

51. Square states (WY, etc.)

52. Rollerskate proficiently; get over fear of foot-related things that have wheels (skateboards, et al)

53. Don’t fall so much, don’t spill so many glasses of liquids

54. Have farmed animals as friends.

55. Go to eye doctor regularly so my retina doesn’t explode

56. Be a domestic violence counselor

57. Walk in the forest a lot

58. Get good at bike riding

59. Go camping a lot

60. Be in “Les Miserables” (pref. Eponine)

61. Read one million books

62. Stay in touch w. ppl

63. Make a lot of money then throw it at ppl

64. Spirit Rock Meditation Center

65. Bake a lot, esp. cakes, muffins, also vegan whoopie pies

Don’t you fret, Monsieur Marius, I don’t feel any pain… a little fall of rain can hardly hurt me now!

66. Grand Canyon X

67. Be ok w/ body, I mean srsly, F you

68. See ocean after a hurricane

69. Swim in ocean a lot

70. Be good to people

71. Live to be elderly and when I am elderly be really outrageous with my clothes and tell young people about punk rock

72. To tonglen and metta when I feel overwhelmed or on the verge of giving up, also make lists of things I appreciate

72. Do a lot of stretching…. remember it makes you feel good and helps prevent osteoporosis (?)

73. Make all my own food, eat SO MANY leafy greens

74. Take care of myself because that is the same as taking care of others X

75. Don’t buy a lot of stuff  X

76. Try hard to not own a car X

77. Don’t be self-conscious about [things that are listed on another list]

78. Be a free-mic singer in a band where I get to yell/scream/wear costumes

79. Be less clumsy (stairs, curbs etc.)

80. Radical ecology in the heart/mind/space

81. Tropical island! omg i went to one X

Flipping off this "Buddhist" Ronald McDonald in Chiang Mai wasn't on my list, but it should have been.

82. Equanimity

83. Say yes

84. Say no

85. Have no idea and admit it

86. Speak even if voice shakes X

87. Be quiet

88. Take lots of naps inside and outside

89. Meditate in pretty places

90. Live in a loft

91. Encourage awesomeness

92. Floss

93. Have hair like J-Lo

94. Get MFA in writing X

95. See a geyser!

96. Put my butt in a hot spring

97. Interact with dirt a lot/the ground

98. Alaska

99. Make my own soap, tofu, gluten, clothes, soy milk, bookshelves, etc.

100. Be a stowaway on a ship (that’s how I will get to all the places mentioned above)

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“My mouth and mind and typing fingers are weapons of mass destruction”

Please read this incredible article by hero Margaret Cho. Two quotes from it:

“I fly my flag of self-esteem for all those who have been told they were ugly and fat and hurt and shamed and violated and abused for the way they look and told time and time again that they were ‘different’ and therefore unlovable. Come to me and I will tell you and show you how beautiful and loved you are and you will see it and feel it and know it and then look in the mirror and truly believe it. If you are offended by my anger and my might at defending my borders and my people you do not deserve entry into my beloved and magnificent country.”

“We deserve beauty, love, respect, admiration, kindness and compassion. If we don’t get it, there will be hell to pay.”

An underrepresented cultural conversation, I think, is how important comedians are to sustaining and improving society. Obviously not all of them; Dane Cook… I mean, watch him perform, I guess, but bring a friggin book! Jim Carrey, I actually find that you’ve blossomed into an amazing serious actor, and I admit that Ace Ventura Pet Detective was my favorite movie when I was 13, and I personally get an abundance of satisfaction out of poop and body-part jokes (which might be a part of me staying sane) but that’s not exactly the kind of critical cultural role I’m talking about.

I digress. There is a reason why the court jester, back in the day, was a) the only one allowed to mock the king and b) sometimes killed. Because comedians and jesters work from a level that is beyond what is acceptable for everyone else. It’s their definition and their allowance. And that they are sometimes silenced should tell us something about their potential power. They are subversive in the unique-est of ways, using humor to soften hearts and minds thus opening folks to issues they might not otherwise be open to, like how much of a dick the king is. Now, what are we going to do with the consciousness they potentially give us? That’s the question and the charge.

While I’m at it, watch this, if you haven’t already:

Another thing I think about a lot is how subversive it is for women, in general, to be funny. To be funny necessarily means to be assertive and loud and smart. Not always physically loud, but loud with one’s existence– a determination to take up some part of one’s own space with one’s mind. That being said, I have a soft spot in my heart for women’s physical comedy/humor ala Amy Sedaris, Kristen Wiig, Gilda Radner, Amy Poehler and my best friend Courtney Bartlett… come to think of it, all of my best woman/female-identified friends are bastions of hilarity. Ask anyone.

For a culturally conditioned woman to make oneself ugly for the sake of a laugh, or to use her body in a huge and obvious and contorted and ridiculous way, is subversive, even if the content isn’t. Precisely because we are supposed to be so small, contained, clean, sexy (and virginy too, you big oppressive false dichotomy dicks), and quiet (all metaphorically and literally.) Bottom line: women aren’t supposed to take up their own space. If you’re funny, you have to take up, to reclaim, at least some of it, whether mind/intelligence, body, or both and more.

So do you hate yourself? Your body? Do you degrade yourself unwittingly, degrade your body and mind? I love you and I’m here for you. It’s okay. It’s a struggle, one worth fighting, which I know from an unfortunate amount of personal experience. Keep fighting. Let’s take care of each other. “We deserve beauty, love, respect, admiration, kindness and compassion. If we don’t get it, there will be hell to pay.”

Why don’t we all do ourselves a favor and watch all of three seasons of Strangers With Candy (Amy Sedaris, Stephen Colbert) for free on Netflix and, I think, Hulu. And also let’s all get copies of all of Margaret Cho’s revolutionary stand-up comedy compilations.

I’ve come across a lot of people/commentary that says women can’t be funny. Hey, guess what? That’s nothing but bullshit penis-farting. Men, be allies, call it out. Women, continue onward in your awesomeness. Folks who fall on other parts of the gender spectrum, explode the conversation gloriously and to your liking.

"Pee on me"

I love my male comedians too, don’t get me wrong. John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and George Carlin are all personal heroes of mine. Gender-fucker Eddie Izzard just blows everyone’s balls to the wall. But that’s another post, if I get to it. Are you bored right now? Do yourself another favor and watch vintage George Carlin on youtube. Talk about subverting the shit out of things! He was the master (at least, in the men’s realm. Margaret Cho definitely stands right there next to him.)

I, for one, fancy myself a hilarious lady. Do you know how funny I am? Maybe I will tell you about it some day. All in all, I’m really awesome across pretty much every realm that a person can be awesome. There’s no way around it. How about you? Why don’t you leave a comment telling me how amazing and hilarious and smart you are.

I leave you with this little note from my temporary Thailand home, which I consider completely related to musings on comedy: I have to believe that the point of life is love, even if I’m wrong. If I don’t throw my entire self into believing this, I will go insane. Join me.

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